Lately, I have been going through I guess what you can say some growing pains. I'm starting to butt heads more and more with my parents about my career path, and what I'm going to do with my life.
Interning with Epic this year has been one of my biggest faith steps I've ever taken... and really trusting that God is going to provide for me not necessarily the way I wanted, but the way I needed. I came into this intern year wanting to see God move and for me wanting to play a part in people's lives and their walks with God. And while I got to see this, what I didn't really expect (and ultimately, what I'm taking away) was seeing God work in my life. Lately, I've been second-guessing myself. Everything I thought I knew about ministry, everything I thought I knew about how to shepherd someone into a deeper walk with the Lord, and even in a sense of what I thought it meant to walk with the Lord, has been called into question. I feel like a pendulum, and this whole year I have been swinging back and forth between feeling prepared, feeling equipped, and feeling qualified (and likewise thinking highly of myself), swinging the other way to feeling confused, scared, and unsure (which I guess, shows me my need for a Savior and a Redeemer... though that's not always a pleasant thing to realize).
Once in awhile, I'll meet a person (and often times, they're on staff) that are just so free. Free to love, and free to receive love. There's just a sense of warmth to the way they speak, the way they interact, and the way they relate. To me, that's just a testament to how God has been working in their lives, and where He's taken them. It also makes me realize that I am not free. Not free to love, and not free to receive love. And it makes me wonder why not? To which the Holy Spirit shows me all the crap that's still in my heart and in my soul and how that is really keeping me from a deeper and ultimately more intimate relationship with Him. And there is so much crap still there. Because it's only out of intimacy with God that you can be free to love, and free to receive love.
I think that my tensions with my parents have trickled through to my extended family. I think that my parents think I want to become a pastor... which I have mentioned the idea of to them but it's never been something I seriously told them I wanted to pursue. I think it's gotten to the point where my parents are talking to my extended family about the concerns they have about me going down the wrong path in my life. But the struggles and the shame is still there of wanting to live a life that my parents would be happy with, to live up to the expectations of my Dad, and for them to approve of me and support me. But the older I become, the more I sense God's direction and plan for me is something different than what my parents had in mind (whether or not it be pastoral ministry). And that has caused a lot of tension.
My aunt emailed this to me last night, and the timing couldn't be more appropriate (she's never emailed me before!). I was debating whether or not to put this up for you guys to see because I thought it might serve some kind of self-glorifying purpose. But, I think it really shows the kind of tension that's been going on in my heart and that's something I really do want to share with you. I edited it a little bit, and I put my notes in brackets [like this] to explain some of the context to help you understand. I come from a non-Christian background, and up to this point I never really thought there were solid believers in my family... only to receive this last night. It's really quite amazing...
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Hello Kevin,
A month ago, we visited Colleen's [Colleen is one of my cousins] mom, and heard that you want to be a pastor. Your uncle and I were so happy, so proud of you, Kevin. I saw you growing up to be a responsible, caring and full of God's grace. I also told your uncle, a long time ago, that a young holy man like you would have to face so many challenges. Today, your toughest challenge is your parents. Kevin, you have to be brave and ask God for extra help. I'm sure the Holy Spirit will guide you through this time because I believe God is very pleased with your plans.
Kevin, what you are dealing in your life right now is exactly what I went through before....I was a little girl who loved God very much and wanted to be a nun (you may not believe it), and every time I brought up the topic, my parents and family would talk me out of being who I wanted to be. I was young and did not have a strong foundation (Scripture) like you have right now, and soon without proper guidance/support from my parents, I went on a different path that I believe absolutely disappointed God. I still regret it everyday of my life and that is the only regret that I have if I could do all over again (I love your uncle very much, but nothing can compare to the love I have for Him). God still loves me and He gives me a loving family and a different obligation now. Kevin, PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR DREAM FOR ANYONE, even they are your parents. You should only try your best to please the Lord, your God... then you will find your true happiness.
Then, when I went to my freshmen year in college, I already want to be a nurse. Kevin, I thought that I would've made God happy if I care for the sick. At that time, nurses make little money. Of course, my dad was very upset that I wanted to be a nurse. He wanted me to be a doctor, a pharmacist, not a low pay/dirty job like nurses, in his mind. Every time, when he drove me to take tests/finals, or interviews (the whole 2 years in college before I got into nursing school), he did wish me bad luck and that he would disowned me if I continue studying nursing. The more he did that, the stronger I was, and I did so well at school. I even prepared to move out and live with my classmate because the tension was so bad, and he threaten to kick me out! Now , whenever I remind my dad of those days, he just laughs and says to me "You made the right decision for your life, and I'm proud of my daughter". Kevin, I get goose bumps every time he says that. What if I was not strong enough to stand up for what I believe I love to do, or if I tried to please my dad (because I love him very much), I would probably had to work 8-12hrs/day in misery, for the rest of my life..or had to end up in depression, or quit my job and started over, or had a full blow- out middle age crisis later in my life...etc.
I think your parents were in denial the whole time; otherwise, they would have seen how much you grow spiritually by all your activities. Kevin, I pray everyday for my children to grow up in God love, and to be like you. You should prove to your parents that you are financially responsible; therefore, you can make your own decisions. Be sure to ask your mentors / pastors/ your network to pray for you. Be prepare to move out and be on your own, if it is your last choice. Do your homework very well Kevin, before you make any big decision, and make sure you ask God to help you. Kevin, John [her son, my little 2 year old cousin] and I are attending the BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) in Saratoga every Wednesday, and John loves it. We are studying the life of Moses this year. I love to read the Bible so much now, Kevin. I believe that you will be okay. Kathleen [her daughter, going to first grade] is still waiting for final paper work from VCS [a Christian school]. I hope she can get in, please pray for her, Kevin. Thank you.
Finally, as a pastor, you will have a bigger network of Christians who are willing to support you in many ways, including Steven [my younger, autistic brother]. Your parents will not be able to take care of Steven forever. And that will put too much pressure on you. Also only a true Christian's love can conquer all. I believe that special person will love you very much.. that she will respect, support you and help you to care for your brother. Your parents have a reasonable doubt. They may think that you should study more, in order to make more money... and therefore, you'll be able to take care for your own family, and also your brother. But, I tell you right now that they are very wrong. Money doesn't bring happiness and security to even the well planned person. Only God know what you need, and He will take good care of you. Just believe in Him, Kevin, and you'll be alright.
We will love to attend at your first preach as a pastor, Kevin, wherever that will be.
In Him
Uncle 8 and co Thao.
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So. Amazing. I wonder what the Lord is trying to tell me..
